Day one
It's got giant pumpkins, award winning carrots, miniture horses, popcandy
filled children experiancing fairground GForce rides on mass funded by their
parents or social workers,tupperware, racing cars, wood chopping, crocheting
...basically it's got it all...and then there is us... the team of entertainers
hired to keep the masses from exploding on toffee apples or getting lost for
days in the rubbery layers of the bouncy castle.
Two shows a day, 10 days.. I only did one today because I had to organise
some serious stuff to prepare for this omnious task...got a TV off Cookie
the Clown so we can watch the Cricket Test in the dressing room.....
So wasn't there long enough to comment yet, but I can assure you as the days
progress things will get more interesting ( this is only day one ).,
I mean mix all the above with the likes of Boo Boo the Clown, Garteh- Master
of Fire and Steel, The Bohemian Dancers, Maori Warriers, Cookie the Clown,Andy
Zap,BJ the bear,Martin,Me ...and oh oh so much more..........
Will keep ya'll informed...
Nickolas
So
day two
Looking
forward to a full days work today, sitting in the dressing room watching England
beat NZ in the cricket and popping out a couple of times to put smiles on
the punters faces....
It didn't happen as I expected, approaching the common room area at the forefront
of the dressing room maze I was faced with at least a dozen elderly singing
housewives dressed in some kind of blue and gold upmarket western attire all
trying to croon in perfect harmony while Boo Boo the clown looked on with
admirable satisfaction, how can they be so shiney at such an early hour I
ask myself, I settle in amongst the harmony of cricket and kool aid..ahhhh
I ventured out into the grounds and was hit by the bright light and noonday
sun.
Put myself infront of sunbaked, dehydrating, opiated people and spent half
an hour trying to set off excitement amounts the staring sweaty masses, consequently
becoming a staring sweaty mass myself , the only excitement was the miniature
horse strolling into the show.
More cricket in the dark cool dressing room I endeaver;no,no the TV has overheated
Martin put it in the fridge to cool it off but to no gain;
In the long day ahead I witnessed a bunny rabbit being fleeced of it's fleece
to to make socks that give you a natrul bounce, underage kids riding bulls,
big mighty men in Lycra lifting 300kg weights(I wonder if they they have got
more words than aaaarrrrch in their vocabulary)
But amongst it all todays sweaty prize must go to Gareth aka porn star, clad
in leather, balancing glasses on his head staring into the mid afternoon sun.------------------------------------------------------------------------
Day three
Decided
to go in late today as I didn’t have to start ‘till 2pm, Martin
decided to catch a lift with me even though he was scheduled to start roving
at 11am (“oh I’ll be fine Cookie and Boo Boo will do the clown cover”
he says)…
It starts to rain as we hit the motorway “could be rained off we both
agree with smiles on our faces”
It carried on raining no show for me oh what glee (rovers had to go into the
desolated homeware pavilions)….
Clown cover was dismantled before it started as Cookie turned up late (expecting
Martin to be there on cover duties) and Boo Boo was nowhere to be seen…..
On the good side of things the TV had got over its imprisonment in the fridge
and was working again
( maybe clown TV tech's working through the night)….
I left the grounds letting the clowns discuss various ways to pancake their
faces…
Return for a 7pm appearance no rain, mild time out there to a dozen or so
people…
Had a brief interlude with the security guard about keeping every thing locked
and bolted for fear of the cats being stolen…??
Must find the cat pavilion tomorrow…..
Day four
I
arrived at the Easter show and became a clown chauffeur driving two clowns
(Lurk and Cookie) up one tree hill for a security meeting… which is an
old Maori Pah (fortress)
As we looked over the site discussing the land mass between the Manakau Harbour
and the Wiatamata Harbour ( 5% of which is the Easter Showgrounds ) I wondered
what it is like to be a bloke in make-up
In a public domain when you aren’t being paid…. I found out, as
a busload of prepubescent schoolchildren pooled out of a bus crying “Clowns,
Clowns make me laugh”.
I left them to deal with it sauntered to the car and started the engine.
Now the Cats …imagine a 1000 seat theatre emptied of all seats and strewn
full of cat paraphernalia. Strolling, looking and noticing 72 cat cages, 12
of, which were occupied, Manx. Tabby, Angora etc… Interesting was the
Cat Grief Counselling stand, which included cat coffins, ashes boxes and wills,
I now started understanding where the security guard was coming from yesterday,
my theories are either a Chinese clown had bloken security and opened a restaurant,
the felines had escaped or the Cat Grief people had poisoned them. I’m
not sure but that was the only staffless stand in the arena…. Conspiracy
maybe… mmmm shhh
There is a Fairground ride on site called ‘Lost in Space’ does that
mean anything? …. Day 4…
P.S. The cat people have a stash of the best coffee and ginger nuts on site…we’ve
found it !!--------------------------------------------------
Day five
Cowboys,
kerosine, crochet and chicken are in the mix today
Approaching the gate which today was locked, bolted and manned by a retired
paranoid farmer called Toby who was how can I say it …Slow… “Show
me your passes” he demanded, then realising the occupants of the car
were a 10ft acerbic pantomime, a Barnum clown with a burnt nose and a long
haired lout from London he passed out! Opening the gate with axes we drove
on, Cookie hitting his head on the roof as we left Toby behind ….
Gambling has made its introduction into play in the form of backgammon and
beetle racing.
I am rapidly losing the plot as the dressing room stinks of kerosene. There
are 2 fire acts in our troop both of which are scheduled to play in the light
of day while crochet competitions are played throughout the night???.
As the greatest hits of the 70’s and 80’s waft through the air care
of alexandra sound and the cowboy’s erect 60ft poles ready to be climbed
and chopped, I wonder if there is any cat in this Chinese Takeaway that I’m
scoffing……
Quote of the day “I’m finding this hard to light, my nose keeps
getting in the way”…Cookie on a security meeting
Oh and I had a chicken sandwich for lunch…
Day six
Martin
is passed out face down on the floor, make up smeared on pillow, and it’s
the over the hump party…. Day six tomorrow,,,
Andy Zap is talking cultural sociology with Dave Sheridan at the bar as I
reflect on today’s happenings,
The gate was an easy ride today as I bumped over Toby and banged my head on
the roof…
Walked pass the orgasmatron and got vapoured into the Gforce ball, locked
in this fiberglass cylindrical roll bar I was seriously spun out, my mental
horizon entered into a kaleidoscope full of giant carrots, multitools, brown
M&M’s and Angora socks.
Paint ball shots at the sheep trials from the dressing room window livened
up the lack of beetle racing today..
High as a kite on kerosene I had to find something warm, discovered the Sleepwalker
sleeping bags with legs, arms and zipper booties, I wandered around as a sweaty
Mr Michelin for a while and surpassingly enough was offered $200 for extra
walkabout work!!!
Still loads of vacant looking stallholders trying to move blow up aliens,
key rings, massage chairs, frozen peanuts and liquorice pretzels …waiting…waiting.for
the big weekend…. We’ll see…Easter is apon us….
Have to go and intellectualise with Zappy and clean up Martins urine…tarrrraaaa
‘till tomorrow…
NN
Day seven
A
seedy arising at 11.30 am, was kicked in with several hot feline coffees,
hoodoo grubs and negative ions gushing from the showerhead, pumped up the
Limo and started to drive…
Going off is not the word, there is so many people here the hot-dog lady is
moving so fast they have had to install a strobe just so the punters can see
her,
“These smell of piss” says Martin referring to his stilt pants,
“Couldn’t find a mop mate” I answer as I leave to tackle the
throbbing, pulsating, mass of hysteria that is out there,
Packed. Busy. Let me tell ya this pod is gonna burst…
It was so swamped out there I had to get a flying fox rigged up so I could
get from the dressing room to the site.
Once there I erected a 13ft-burning cactus to get performing diameter of roughly
18 inches.
Climbed atop the cactus and did my finale which included the standard handstand
on a rolla bolla whilst spinning the 8ft chainsaw with your toes and a fridge
hanging off the left nipple.
I couldn’t believe it; they went wild, nuts, ecstatic,
An edge 20,000 deep!
People clambering over each other to watch to be a part of it, to get closer
to ME! ,,,
Had to find a way out! How do I get out? … Then “Genius” I
think to myself.
I loaded all my stuff into a samsomite, walked right over the tops of the
screaming, heaving bodies (samsonite in tow) back to the dressing room. I
lock all the doors and windows, climb out of the roof and dial a chopper to
take me home.
The beer we drink here in the quiet surround of Devonport is called Martins
and at $7.95 a six pack
It’s a tasty drop….
Today, I Thank Jesus for without him I would have never had an experience
like that.
Day eight
As
the limo pumped laser slalomed it’s way to car park 17 avoiding lolly
munching kids, Rodeo Clowns and hedgehogs along the way the occupants were
looking forward to another fun filled day of crazy zany capers…
The crickets is back, hooray! Beetle racing has taken a standstill Boo! Kiwi’s
27 for 4 Hooray!
I’m having a good day…
Had a rain stop play show, after wringing out my cards, coins and cactus I
sauntered to the green room ready for more cricket. I came face to face with
30 or so prepubescent schoolchildren, girls, with make-up which could have
only been put on with a trowel and boys in flippers with gelled up hairstyles
which quite frankly looks like they have been shagging rats!
Both sexes dressed in swimwear doing a choreographed dance rendition of “
Hey Mickey”…. Boo Boo was conducting!
The dressing room has become a cloud of talcum powder, gaffer tape, kerosene
and magic dust, amongst this fog you can just make out the T.V. in the corner
“Rain stops play” says the rectangular box in the void…”Dammit”
I exclaim.
I entice a few games of backgammon amongst the clowns have some chrsanthamin
tea, square dance pass the bohemian bongo players and pop into the cat pavilion
for a gander.
After witnessing a pink fluffy stick wielding ageing woman hypnotising felines
to lie on a table top while blue hairdo old ladies looked on with much glee,
(they all clapped when the rosette was stapled on Dinky) I wander off to some
opaque whale stranding music and ate a portion of deer.
Today was the day when the cowboys climbed their poles, the miniature horse
shrunk, the banjo player broke, car cleaning was rationed, and the potato
chips went on strike…Day 8
Nickolas
Day nine
Today
I wake up in a fleece filled cocoon which goes by the name Sleep Walker (www.sleepwalkersleepingbags.com),
a potato topped pie hits me square in the head “breakfast” Martin
utters. I munch away; tittering at last night’s conversations with Mr
Talisker who now stands alone looking at me, half empty.
I ingest coffee, broiled mushrooms, warm orange juice and toothpaste…day
9 begins.
Smoothly arriving with 5mins ‘till ShowTime the heavens open…Rain
stops play again!
The gambling continued with Cookie losing his trousers and nose then throwing
clown tantrums. Cushions and toilet rolls fly from his squeaky gloves, I duck,
they miss me, hit the Michael Jackson impersonator square in the head as he
was minding his own business drying his sweaty shirts in the oven, he danced
over to us with venom in his eyes,
His shirt caught fire
Moonwalking back to save the glittering garment his face melted!
The fairground has become a muddy mosh pit with people trying to throw 8cm
hoops over 10cm podiums and catching plastic ducks with coat hangers hoping
to win the latest in Elvis Mirrors,
There is a stall selling designer binliner rain coats,
The put put boats have been sunk by a tidal disaster
The Carter-Chan dance troupe come in from their show sogging wet with foundation,
mascara and rouge sliding off their faces “they’re looking very
much like Michael” I think.
The ice-cream man is giving away free product confused eyes stare at him blankly
through binliner clad faces.
The Limo makes it home I open the laptop, climb into my SleepWalker with Mr
Talisker staring at me half full.
One day to go…….
Nickolas
Day 10
…
The finale, the day to end all days…
The wind blew up and swirled into a tornadic frenzy. My eyelids blew off,
my table was uplifted, the ground shrank, and cards were involuntarily ejected
from my hands to have conversations with god, while my cactus spiked a few
angels. All of which joined Dorothy’s slippers in a version of Over the
Rainbow on the voyage to OZ
It’s a sad day today the bubble has burst, the page is undone, and normality
is about to refill our world. Blow up aliens are deflated, and hamsters are
caged but all is made immensely enjoyable as we watch bored children clean
Emu shit from the stadium with Martin Gaffer taping their mouths up.
It’s lonely in the dressing room as the clowns pack up and leave. I collect
gambling debts by the way of small electronic goods and noses as they bid
farewell.
Taculm powder settles on the coffee stained carpet below my feet and the smell
of rancid kerosene wafts passes the mirror for the last time.
I think to myself where did I put my check. I know this may sound to you to
be totally unorganised but believe you me it’s petty compared to leaving
a apple mac on a trailer fender (which Martin discovered he did after driving
10km home)
Great wrap party tonight with cowboys comparing hats, blues haired feline
folks coughing up fur balls, magicians discussing child control and Russian
opera singers complaining about the vodka.
It’s been a beautiful time for me and I hope the literal experience has
been enjoyable for you
Cheers…Nickolas